How To Make the Perfect Booty Call

“You know I never put the pressure on you. You know that you make your own mind up. You know what it was when you signed up.”

You’re horny and lonely, but more so horny. It’s 2AM and you’re truly considering whether or not to send that risky text. It’s happened to us all, and whether you’re the one sending or receiving, here is (essentially) how to do it right.

1. YOU CAN’T JUST DO THIS WITH ANYONE

Booty calls are not about you. They are about the other person. They are about the person you’re trying to get. You have to make it seem like you have something to offer, so the other person doesn’t feel like a piece of meat.

Your ideal partner for a booty call is someone who you’re confident would be comfortable in the situation. If she mentions sex like it’s no biggie, has a history of casual relationships, or implies that she’s bout it… then she’s probably bout it. But you still can’t just “hey, want to fuck?” because now he/she has the right to be offended. Building sexual tension is a smart way to prepare them so they’re not in shock when the infamous call comes.

One of the easiest ways to create sexual tension is to get them thinking of you in a sexual way by mentioning your body or complimenting theirs.

“Yeah, I’m about to go work out.” Now they’re thinking of your body.
“I’m just getting out the shower.” Now they’re thinking of your body wet.
“Yo your ass is low-key getting fat.” Hmmm they peep the growth.
“We all know you’re sexy as hell.” They agree I’m sexy as hell.
“Everyone’s always tryna bag you.” They notice my interactions with others.

Personally, I think the most effortless tactic is to just talk about sex. It’s really not that hard to bring up in conversation… I do it all the time and people are quite open.

These are all subtle signals that will plant the idea of you all having sex without explicitly stating your purpose. Note, these signals are to show attraction, not interest. DO NOT SELL DREAMS. You don’t want her friends to start imaging y’all as this winters hottest couple, gassing her cause she’s finally getting the Valentine’s day she’s always deserved, because now if you hit them with the “wyd” text, you’re an automatic fuckboy. Make sure they know you’re not interested in anything serious, but you are interested in them. This clarity provides a degree of safety that you’re not trying to play her, but instead… just fuck.

If you treat her like a friend and not ass, commencing forward won’t leave you embarrassed. Why? Because she’ll want to come over. We’re good enough friends. I’ll probably leave satisfied. He’s fine as hell. Who am I to turn this down? She’ll be curious enough to take the risk without much persuasion.

2. YOU CAN’T JUST SAY ANYTHING

The way you invite him/her essentially parallels the level of respect you have for that person. So don’t present yourself as someone who is searching for ass…present yourself as someone who simply wants to have sex. Just like with your essays, start with an opener. Waking up to “i’m tryna fuck you right now,” at 10am is straight jokes, so save yourself in the event that she’s sleep and wakes up to your message. Begin with a “you up? wyd? where you at? or what’s up?” Then from there, you have two standard routes:

Option #1: The Call

I’m out with someone but it’s lame, where are you?
I’m in your dorm.
Want to come over later?
You know what I’ve been thinking about all day? ___ing you.
You free?
If you’re not doing anything right now, wanna come over and do…me?
This may seem very straightforward, but would you like to have sex with me?

Option #2: The Date

Here we have the Netflix and chill. The let’s match or let’s smoke or hang out or watch a movie or grab dinner — or something. With this invitation, you still need a clear indicator that it won’t be a wholesome night of just movies. That way when your bodies get to touching and shit starts to intensify, she’s not confused how she ended up where she is (and again labels you as a fuckboy).

If she’s going out… we could meet up later.
If she’s tired… I just want to see you for a little while.
If she’s already out… what are you doing after?
If she’s in… how about I stop over for a while and provide some company?
If she’s busy… Alright bet, when you get off/get done studying, let me entertain you.

If you really want to charm her, shoot your shot using a reference to something only the two of you will both understand. Manipulate that insider so it works to your advantage, whether it’s something you both said, laughed about, or retweeted on twitter.

To all my ladies taking this risk, ignore your fear of rejection and reputation. If anything you will look sex-positive (and like a lil freak-a-leek), which can be debated as good or bad. Most likely you’re not going to send the snap, show up at his door, or ask him straight-out with the purple pickle (unless there’s lots of henny involved 🍆👅). However, if you are that bold… go for the gold. Hit him with the same text messages suggested above. Relying on alcohol is a great excuse to get nasty, because if he doesn’t respond (or rejects you), you can literally pretend like that shit never happened.

*NOTE: I am not an advocate of the drunk text. That enthusiastic YES! only counts if she is sober and I am not trying to have anyone caught up 🙃 Besides if you’re intoxicated, things tend to get sloppy and your sexual performance might be sub par.

Now guys if this happens, time is limited. You have approximately ten minutes to an hour to respond. She mostly likely just came from the club, her friends are getting dicked down, or she’s trying to decide whether or not to put on her lace thong as opposed to dad’s old t-shirt.

3. YOU CAN’T TREAT HIM/HER LIKE ANYBODY.

There is a certain type of etiquette involved with this type of action. In a world where visitation can hold you back, you gotta be signed in at the desk, your roommates always bust through door, or there’s only one bathroom, staying low can get a little difficult.

“Soon as I walked in, he told me we had the whole house to ourselves. His roommates were out at some event he decided to skip and wouldn’t be back for a while aka I didn’t have to scream in the pillow. So I’m yelling all this nasty stuff, cause hey it’s just us. Pure freedom I’m thinking. Then, as I go to change the song on his phone, I see a text from his roommate saying ‘Damn bro, you better beat that shit up,’ with the muscle arm emoji.”

Whoever’s bed the deed gets done in holds the home field advantage, meaning you control when they come in and when they come out. Some girls want that power to kick you out, while others enjoy the adventurous escape to a new environment. No matter whose home it happens to be, don’t put anyone in a place that involves a lot of people. Minimize the risk of them running into your roommates or friends especially.

“Guys have a way of giving girls this look… like I know what you did with my boy last night. Never would have expected you to be the come over at 2am, give amazing head, and let him put the thumb in the booty type girl, but hey. You a nasty freak. Don’t worry, I ain’t gon say shit. We can keep it between you and me. Just know that I know.”

Having the house to yourself when your roommates are out-of-town, in class or all just out partying is the most ideal situation. If you’re still in a dorm environment and you don’t have a single, give your roommate adequate time to get out before your sexual partner comes in. No one wants to walk in to the evil eye of someone as they pack their things and head to the lounge.

Mornings can be very uncomfortable, because well… you don’t want them. Eliminate sleepovers, unless it’s for morning sex. 11pm-1am are the ideal approach hours, that way you can make it home before the sun comes up. In the event y’all do fall asleep, don’t just dip in the morning. Leave a note, send a text, or preferably wake them up to say your goodbyes. You don’t want it to seem like you can’t be seen with them in the light. If the invitation is given after a certain time (around 3am), the assumption that one can sleepover is a given. If you have something to do in the morning (or you’re lying to avoid the situation in its entirety), simply tell them before hand that you have something to do really early so they can’t sleep over.

4. YOU CAN’T NOT PROVIDE

Booty calls are a sexual fantasy. It can be nerve wrecking and adventurous and well… sexy, but they are not sexy when you finish and immediately regret the fact that you got out of bed, unwrapped your hair and left your room for this weak ass experience.

“If you’re going to call me up, I’m gonna risk my whole reputation and invite me over for just sex… YOU BETTER BEAT THAT SHIT. You need to provide the wild sex I imagined before. Cause that’s what got me over there. Kiss my neck. Dirty talk me. Glide your fingers down my inner legs and up my thighs or something.”

One of the most common misconceptions that guys have about casual relationships is that they think this allows them to charge in like a bull in a china shop. This is simply not so, and even though both of you know what the deal is, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t provide her with some stimulation on the front-end of things too.

Keep your customer satisfied. I know you don’t care. You didn’t come over to get them off. You came over to get yourself off. Completely understand. The whole relationship is selfish, but if you don’t provide for the other person the chances of them enjoying it are slim. It has to be beneficial for everyone. Sex is a partnership. Which means foreplay…

LICK IT BEFORE YOU STICK IT. 👈🏾

As much of an advocate for getting the panties wet as I am: Don’t try and make love. You don’t want her confused because of all the emotion or getting dickmitized. Missionary should probably be minimized, and doggy-style more so maximized (unless you can’t last in doggy-style, of which you should take another approach). Be strategic with your positions. If you don’t put clothes on after sex… she is expecting more sex. So if it’s a one and done, getting dressed is a subtle way of saying ’tis a wrap. Ladies, make sure you get what you came for. If one round just wasn’t enough, tell him he’s got twenty and then y’all gotta get to it.

IF YOU GET NO RESPONSE.

She could think it would ruin your friendship or she knows she’ll get emotionally attached and start acting cray. Maybe she doesn’t find you attractive orrrrrrr she’s heard about your dick game before. She honestly could be sleep.

Her current situation has a lot to do with the response. If she’s at the club with all her friends, talking to someone, or just feeling herself that day, she could easily dub you… while if she’s in her dorm lonely as hell, watching porn, you might get a definitive “when and where?” Don’t take it to heart. Your interaction shouldn’t change after this experience (and that includes if you have sex as well). Stay normal. Girls know this is a risky act, so the most that she’ll do is send a screenshot to her best friend.

Now ladies, if you’re the ultimate women whose out here going for what she wants sexually and he dubs you…well…take that stab to your pride and move on like nothing happened.

If you’re the one awkwardly staring at your phone trying to figure out what to say, it’s quite simple: do not respond. Most people are smart enough to understand that no response is a response. If you want to reschedule, say you’re not free tonight but maybe we can work something out tomorrow. BAM!

other very important tips:

Don’t set any serious rules from the get-go. As important as communication is, it only applies when your relationship is somewhat long-lasting. This whole thing could very well only happen once, which means no need to discuss rules and such things. If you’re up to your third meet up (absent of true emotion), congrats you’re now friends with benefits. Read about that here.
Don’t fumble with logistics at the last-minute. Who wants a booty call that’s unreliable. Don’t be fake. If you’re barely awake and don’t think you can stay up until you’re meeting time, deny the opportunity. Canceled dick appointments are up there with overdraft fees.
Don’t do the morning check. Ladies are infamous for doing this. “Thanks for everything. Last night was great. Made it home safely. Can’t wait to see you again :)” Nah babygirl. The moment is over. Cease emotion.
Do be a gentleman (kinda). Pay or split the uber (it’s $5 bro). End the conversation with a “see you soon” and meet her at the door. At the least, tell her you hope she makes it home safely.
Do keep ya mouth shut. Real G’s move in silence like lasagna. Bragging is a no. Name dropping is a no. Telling all your friends he has the best dick on campus is a no. Just smile and live your life. If anything, tell that one friend who knows all your sexual history and won’t make it a big deal.
Do bring protection. EVERYBODY. HAVE A CONDOM. PLEASE. THEN WHEN YOU HAVE IT IN YOUR HAND. ACTUALLY PUT IT ON THE PENIS. BEFORE IT ENTER THE VAGINA. PLEASE. The only intense conversation you should be having with your partner is, “what is your status and when was the last time you got tested?”
Wear the right fit. Don’t overdo it, but please still look like ya care. You need something comfortable that’s perfect for easy removal. If anything, activewear is perfect for that walk back in the mornings.

If you go for a repeat but things aren’t working in your favor, there’s only two real reasons why the reoccurrence doesn’t come to pass: (1) Someone caught feelings [ABORT MISSION] (2) The sex is boring.

Whether the one shooting owns a vagina or a penis, the key is to stay respectful and not appear desperate. Unless someone’s promoting false assumptions, y’all both already know what’s going on. Send that text and attempt to make it happen.