“YALL NIGGAS. CAN PLAY BALL. FOR MORE THAN SEVEN HOURS. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX. YALL CAN ONLY LAST ONE ROUND. WTF IS THAT.”
Let’s meditate on four of the most awkward sexual moments that can ever happen between partners…
- He can’t get up
- She can’t get wet
- He/She can’t cum
- He came too fast
For pretty much all of these situations, it can be embarrassing, unpleasant, and all around inconvenient for one, if not both partners. These are things you wish could never happened and honestly can’t predict. Here’s a serious attempt to educate y’all on how to prevent these moments to the best of your abilities.
1. He Can’t Get Up
“This man had been gassing his sex skills for the longest. Telling me he would last super long, have me screaming, calling him daddy, all this shit. The moment finally comes and this nigga can’t even get up. He gives the whole it’s not you, it’s me speech and asks for head, so I flip my hair to the side and start going at it… I’m talking A1 head, like if you’re not getting hard off this… you’re not getting hard. Still nothing. I just started packing my things.”
There’s nothing worse than sitting on the bed, criss cross applesauce, damn near naked, trying to figure out why the hell you’re not turning your mans on. The willy not getting silly can not only be a stab to the male ego, but a reason for the lady to start questioning ones interest. When the penis makes its grand entrance, both partners are usually prepared for penetration. Insertion, however, without full erection can be extremely difficult, and the condom (which you’re using right guys 😊) isn’t staying on without a fight. Visual and mental stimuli can normally do the trick for the penis, but sometimes it needs a little more. Why? It could honestly be a variety of reasons.
- Sexual Performance Anxiety: Niggas get nervous!!! Especially when this is a long-awaited or important event. Hopefully my dick isn’t little to her. Hopefully my strokes don’t disappoint. Hopefully I don’t cum too fast. Hopefully I don’t take too long. The pressure to satisfy can be pretty intense. When SPA occurs, stress hormones start constricting blood vessels, decreasing blood flow to the penis, making it harder for him to get hard.
- Alcohol-Induced Impotence aka Whiskey Dick: Y’all are both way past faded at this point… the horniness might be universal, but the ability to get right to it may or may not occur for both partners. Toxins from excessive alcohol can have a strong effect on your liver…and dick.
- Marijuanaaaaaa: Too many blunts can have the same effect as too many drinks. This goes for other drugs, including antidepressants and xanax.
- Excessive Masturbation: An overindulgence in jerking off can cause the desensitization of certain brain receptors. Meaning normal physical intimacy doesn’t produce enough dopamine to stimulate receptors. Close the hub bro.
- Stress: Works been rough. Friendships are struggling. School’s getting real. Grades barely holding on. Y’all just had a pregnancy scare. All of these can cause a failure to launch.
- Erectile Dysfunction: If getting up is a repetitive problem. You might need to go see a doctor, because things could be medical.
So it’s just lying there flat, unethused and sad… What do you do?
“He wasn’t really fully up, but we tried to just start anyways. Problem was, he couldn’t even get into my vagina. It was just squirming up at the lips rather than actually pushing inside.”
- DO NOT PANIC. If you panic, she’s going to panic and I can guarantee nothings popping up with that energy. Relaxxxx. You already have her. She’s in your bed. She came here for you and she’s not going anywhere. Take a breath.
- Defer the attention away from Mr. Limp. The easiest and most logical way to do this would be to increase foreplay, that way she’s not sus to your lil problem AND you’re simultaneously turning yourself on (hopefully). Her excitement should excite you!
- Show her body some appreciation. Suck her breasts. Play with the booty. Express what your favorite part of her body is and indulge into it. This will eliminate the feeling of rejection and help prevent the “babe, is it me?” conversation later.
- Ask for the top. Don’t alright this ain’t doing it, so I need you to suck me off. She might be the type to fold under pressure. KINDLY ask for a little help. If you put some effort into foreplay, she’ll be more willing to go down with a smile.
- Change the condom. You know what works and doesn’t work for you. Sometimes trying to improvise doesn’t work out in your favor.
- Get the idea that he doesn’t want you outchea head. Rather than stressing over why he’s having technical difficulties, work to fix the problem so things can proceed accordingly. Hannah Montana said it best, everybody has those days.
- Don’t ask a bunch of questions. The best thing you can say is, “Would it help if I…” and start licking the shaft.
So he’s standing there dick in hand, wiggling it around, trying to make a way out of no way. The normal easy fix involves you sucking the shit out of him until it grows within your throat. It can be kind of awkward at first because it’s just a bunch of mush in your mouth, but treat it like you would if it was hard. In fact, it should be wayyyy less of a challenge to deep-throat a small wad of flesh compared to a fully erect penis. Be careful not to play yourself. You don’t want shit to rise and all of a sudden you’re choking on the D.
- Don’t give him the i’m over this, can we please get started, nigga what’s goin on type of head. Give him the alright boo, I gotchu, let’s make it do what it do type of head. Lick your lips and be nasty with the innocent voice. Play with the balls, frenulum, and perineum.
- Throw on some lingerie or his favorite color underwear. Connect your phone to the speakers and put on a little show. Whether it’s Bey//Rocket, Chris Brown//Wet the Bed, Rihanna//Yeah I Said It, or Jeremih//Woosah.
- Masturbate in front of him. The image of you independently tryna get yourself off should get his gears going in some type of way.
- Graciously take that L. Comfort him with the fact that it’s okay and that sex isn’t a necessity. He can try again later. Don’t overreact.
“There was this one time where he just couldn’t get hard. Like he was hard, but not his normal hard. Things were up, then things were down. I gave him superb head so I thought, but it barely even helped. I got up, grabbed the covers, and laid down right beside him ass up. ‘I’m pretty sure if you play with my ass, it’s only a matter of time before you get hard. But until then, I’ll be napping. Wake me up with your dick.’ Not even after three minutes of booty rubs, we was back at it.🤘🏾”
2. She Can’t Get Wet
“So he wined and dined me, such a gentleman, picked me up in the Audi and everything. We get to his crib and he starts kissing me, then he goes down and starts eating me out and fingering me simultaneously. But it was horrible. He was doing this tongue flick thing and sticking his finger in and out and I just wasn’t getting off at all. Like at all. Part of it was him not knowing what he was doing and part of it was me just not feeling him like that. So after about ten minutes he just stopped. And then he took me home.”
Normally when he gives the “just wait until we’re alone” look or whispers slowly in the ear, something happens down there. You could get that “damn wya, what’s taking you so long text” and that do the trick. Even more popular is the elaborate kiss on the neck that causes waterfalls down below.
Women are complicated and so are their vaginas, so when the vaginal fluids don’t get to moving, it could be due to a multitude of reasons. Most of the time it’s not necessarily that she can’t get wet, but something within her experience is kinda off [AKA not enough effort is being made and therefore, she’s physically not ready to get things pawpin.]
Guys aren’t as prone to stop and actually make sure their lady is properly lubed, so if they proceed sex can end up feeling like this:
Vaginal dryness is the second most common sexual challenge for ladies, behind low libido. The top reasons why this problem prevails include:
- Weak Foreplay: Lubrication is a sexual response. So if there is barely any action, then one can’t expect more than barely any response. Read this.
- Allergies: Certain chemicals in lube, soap, detergent, hygiene products, dyes, and perfumes can cause the vag to have allergic reactions. However, this normally goes hand in hand with irritation.
- Medications: Allergy, asthma, and cold medications with antihistamines can cause vaginal dryness.
- Stress: Her mind may not be in the bedroom. She’s not focused. Not feeling sexy. Not feeling confident.
- Vaginal Health Problems: When one’s vagina is unbalanced (yeast infections — for example), it doesn’t have time to be getting wet so you can get some D. It’s just trying to survive.
You’re supposed to have her coming all summer like a season pass smh. So stop. talking. and. suck. those. titties. boy. Move to back of the knee, her inner thigh, scratch her back, kiss her wrist and ankles. Play with the fold where her ass and thighs meet.
- Avoid going straight for the hotspots. Build the anticipation. Give her a massage. Have a conversation while simultaneously rubbing her body.
- Finger her and/or eat her out. When you’re struggling, proper head normally does the trick for you… guess what? It can do the exact same for her!
- Give some encouraging words. Tell her something you’ve never mentioned before, but make sure it’s an honest fact. Don’t spit some emotional shit you’ll regret later.
- (Possibly) Do your job a little better. Often times the excitement of some good, solid D causes the body to naturally make it do what it do. Maybe you’re not really slanging…
“The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.” -Jerry Seinfeld
- Sex should never hurt, so if things get painful due to poor lubrication demand some more time to get better prepared.
- Introduce lube into the picture. It’s actually made to help with the slip’n slide.
- Take care of yourself. If things start itching, smelling or acting funny… go to the doctor. Lack of moisture can result in itchiness, burning, mild bleeding and pain during sex due to chafing or tearing of the vaginal lining and frequent urinary tract infections (UTIs). 🗣GO TO THE DOCTOR
- Take a break from the thongs and g-strings. Tight fitting clothes and undies can put a lot of pressure on your vag.
- Mentally set yourself up for success. Sometimes you have to turn yourself on. Masturbate before you go over there.
3. He/She Can’t Cum
Orgasms can be looked at as the sole reason people have sex. It’s the goal for oneself and hopefully for one’s partner. When no one’s cumming, it can seem like the whole act was damn near useless.
CRITICAL CONCEPT: Some girls don’t cum. Some people need lots of physical buildup in order to actually hit their peak. These things can take a wide variety of techniques that you or may not have. Therefore, don’t make a female orgasm the defining characteristic of whether or not shit was bomb or not. Sometimes it’s a complicated process that requires lots of time and strategic effort. Maybe you can’t get her off. IT’S OKAY.
More selfishly, we want to make a woman cum because deep down we feel like we’ve failed if we don’t. We might not admit it, and if we engage the logical part of our brain, we might even know that this is not the case, but it’s just the way we’re wired. It’s an ego thing really. We want to make you cum each and every time because we want to be the best sex you’ve ever had.
It’s kinda sad when he’s done all that he can do and you still don’t cum… but don’t fake it girl! Applaud him for his efforts and continue on.
When you killin her from tha back and she waiting on you to nut:
- Too much pressure on the head.
- The vagina was too moist.
- It’s been a very, long time.
- The intimacy allowed for minimum self-control.
Despite the obvious frustration, it is important (LADIES) to never complain or make fun of the event. Constructive criticism is the only response allowed (especially if you want another round). Don’t allow the session to end, just because he’s finished. Keep the sensations going, encouraging him to get ready in a timely manner.
As with women and squirting, the act of cumming requires an orgasmic release. And often times, unless one is really in the moment they have control of whether or not that release is going to happen. When it comes to male orgasms, there’s always a point of no return where no matter what you do… it’s gonna happen. The key is to control one’s own climax, with strategic concentration.
“When I’m having sex and I feel like I’m about to cum. I either (A) think about something completely unrelated to sex. For instance 2k. (B) I’ll slow down and on the low grab my own balls. Or (C) I pull out and hop in a different position.”
- Start and stop method: When you’re about to orgasm, take note of some of the common things your body does (thigh tensing, abs hardening, muscles throbbing, etc). This allows you to learn about your personal arousal levels. Once you get close to the point (and the symptoms begin to appear), stop and rest for a while before continuing.
- Alright your turn. Oral sex has got to be your friend in situations like these. No lady is going to appreciate two minutes of your time, so cunnilingus is the perfect way to satisfy her needs.
- Tend to yourself before sex. Jerk off so that premature ejaculation is already out the way. More than likely, one will last longer the second go round. So make the quick finish something she doesn’t have to personally experience. Good thing this is just practice. Ready for round 2?
- Breathe. Slow down and take long, deep breaths to keep your body relaxed.
- Think of ANYTHING other than what’s currently going on (…and don’t look down)
“don’t look down”
“versace versace versace versace”
“do not look down”
“I tried to be empathetic, but at the same time there’s gotta be some push, where there’s some pull. There’s gotta be some give, where there’s some take. I laughed it off. Gassed him, but I knew in my heart this was never happening again.”
Sex is rarely perfect, no matter how long you’ve been doing it. Despite how awkward it may be in the moment, it might make a great story for somebody’s sex blog… lol.
- You Ain’t Cum? That’s Your Fault – theSUNK | the Sh!t U Need to Know
- 4 Ways to Get Yourself Hard When You Cant Get It Up – theSUNK | the Sh!t U Need to Know
- Why Can’t Guys Get Hard Sometimes? 9 Reasons Why Men Can’t Get It Up
- What He Wants You to Do (and Say) When He Can’t Get It Up
- Make Her Thirst: How to Be a Male Tease in the Bedroom? — theSUNK | the Sh!t U Need to Know
- 9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Can’t Get Hard That Have Nothing To Do With You
- 5 Reasons You’re Not Getting Wet
- 4 Possible Reasons You’re Not Getting Wet
- Why Can’t Guys Come Sometimes? 7 Reasons For Delayed Orgasm In Men – And How To Talk About It
- Does it matter if he doesn’t cum?