An Apparently Necessary List of Sex Do’s and Don’ts

After a year of having this blog, I’ve heard some pretty impressive, hilarious and extremely sad stories… So I’m gonna start this year off with a simple list of do’s and don’ts for errybody. (Arranged by the basics, debatable acts, and absolute foul shit — welcome back!)

BASICS — 

Do be a good host. Even if you’re getting right to it, offer a bottle of water first. Ask how their day was or at least give them insights on the location of the bathroom. Why are you on your phone, going ham in the group message when you have a guest. More importantly, show some respect by having a clean place. There’s nothing more awko than making deep eye contact with someone’s dog as you’re on top.

Do get her prepared first. 🗣PORN IS NOT REAL. You can’t shove your dick inside somebody’s vagina 20 seconds after they ring the doorbell. Wait for the G-spot to swell up and get some juices flowing before penetration.

Do help a sistah/brotha out. Shit is hard out here. Things require effort. When she rides give her a little lift. When she sucks help hold that hair. When he’s pounding give him a little arch. When he’s eating, provide some direction.

Do talk to each other. Let’s start by getting consent and establishing how much you’ve been drinking, so both parties are well aware of what’s going on. Sex wise, detailed commentary isn’t necessary, but one should definitely break the silence of ass clapping and random moans. Tell him he’s doing a good job, ya know. Butter that ego up a lil bit. Guys, ask what she would have of you? Take some requests.

Don’t immediately get dressed and dip. Too fast is thanks for the ass, too slow — aren’t you ready to go? Knowing when it’s time to leave can be a struggle all in itself, because you don’t want to inadvertently disrespect the other person. The cuddle is a standard post-sex desire of comfort. So if you’re trying to avoid that, have a vague exit strategy soon after the deed is done. If you’re trying to get them to leave, pull a “yeahhh well I’m gonna go hop in the shower, get washed up.” This lets them know that you’re day is planned and doesn’t involve them in it. Sleeping over is nice. Breakfast is applaudable. A paid ride home is truly superb. What you shouldn’t do is immediately start watching tv or getting on twitter as if they’re invisible.

Don’t all of a sudden pretend like it’s ya childhood home.

“Boys always complain that chicks stay over too long in the morning after sex, but I have found quite the opposite. A lot of chicks I know are early risers, and have to deal with a random boy in their bed who doesn’t wake up till 2 pm. I’m not saying we’re not down for a little bit of morning cuddling, and certainly some morning sex, but if we miss our yoga class at 12- we’re gonna be pissed.”

If anyone stays over til morning — morning sex should be guaranteed. That’s most likely why they’re still there. However, that doesn’t mean that mi casa es su casa. Establishing a routine or addressing what the next days plans are beforehand allows you to avoid awkward conversation like WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

Don’t try and have these important, relationship defining conversations two seconds in the cuddle session. This is more so for the ladies, cause we love to chit-chat. You all just finished having sex and now you’re trying to bring up pressing issues. He is tired. You should be tired. Sit back. Drink a glass of water. Relax. Sleep. Stare at the ceiling. Do anything, but ask what are we or how many bodies do you have?

 

DEBATABLE —

Guys, call the Uber. 

“So it’s the morning after, I’m dressed in his living room waiting for my Uber. I get an Uber pool, because I always get an Uber pool. I’m a smart spender and it’s 7am, who the hell is ordering an Uber at 7am on a Sunday. Well…it turns out a lot of people are on their way to worship at 7am on a Sunday smh.”

When finances get involved, things can get a little iffy. On one hand: I’m an independent black woman who don’t need no man aka I made a choice to come over here and I shall willingly purchase this ride back home. On the other hand: I find it very disrespectful that he doesn’t have the decency to at least pay for this pussy he just pounded to get home safely. As a southerner at heart, I think the male should at least offer to pay and depending on the relationship, the woman should pick up the tab.. but that’s me.

Ladies, don’t expect a love-making sesh. When you’re participating in casual sex, there are some unsaid rules that you just learn over time. Things like if someone farts, completely ignore it. Don’t stare into your partners eyes for more than 5 seconds because that’s just weird. And don’t expect him to provide his most exuberant dick when you’re not his main jawn.

Don’t be on no freaky deaky shit. Communication is the key my friends. You shouldn’t just stick penises in booty holes. You shouldn’t just place your baby batter on people’s faces. You shouldn’t bring your personal fetish to the forefront, when y’all are barely cool. Know the limits of your sexual relationship, and act accordingly.

Everyone, don’t assume you had good shit. There is nothing more awkward than one partner pushing how splendid the sex was, and the other partner completely disagreeing deep down within their soul. Vaginas and penises are just vaginas and penises, however there can be levels to them. So since I’m here to just give a few tips, I’d advise never pushing how incredible you are in bed, unless you have numerous, recent, valid sources who have vouched for you and your privates.

“inksartist: There’s a BIG difference between; You fuckin her so good she can’t stop her legs shaking. And her legs shaking cuz she had them in the air a while and they weak. Don’t gas yourself up like you slangin supreme when she just tired cuz you ain’t got the decency to hold her legs back for her.”

Don’t request round two too quick: After a guy ejaculates, he immediately goes into a refractory period where he’s basically getting himself back together. On average it lasts 15–20 minutes, but it varies person to person. According to Yale’s M.D. Charles Walker, the sympathetic nervous system calms the body down by putting the male into a flaccid fix, lowering neurotransmitters like dopamine and testosterone and increasing hormones like serotonin and prolactin. It’s natures very own cockblock. Women have close to no refractory period, allowing us to orgasm multiple times within very short ranges of time, so we’re ready to go a lot faster than men when it comes to rounds. But I’m telling ya ladies, it’s nature. You gotta be patient. Rather than making him more frustrated, because he can’t get up, take a thirty minute breather.

Don’t think you’re entitled to anything.

“This guy tried to explain to me why he deserved to have sex with me on site, after I explicitly told him no. As if shit was up for debate. What got me was that he said that he was a nice guy and had basically already proven with his words and actions that he, in fact, was worthy of receiving the box.”

“boys stay saying “baby you don’t have to do anything if it makes you uncomfortable” but continue to beg for shit you’re clearly iffy about”

Let’s say someone says no. When one pushes for yes, it normally doesn’t get you any closer than you were before. In fact, I think it does the exact opposite. My advice lines with that of Nipsey on PARTYNEXTDOOR’s Candy. “Never talk about the sex, make her want sex more.”

ABSOLUTE FOUL SHIT —

Don’t fake pregnancies, misinform information, or hold on to condoms. Like y’all please lmao. 

“I had this friends with benefits who always handled clean up. I didn’t realize that it was a mode of protection until one day a condom is on the floor and I go to pick it up to throw it away and he starts panicking. He explains that he’s the only one that should be dealing with any of that stuff, because (in short) one of his boys had a girl who was keeping his sperm from condoms and tried to use it against him later…” 

Need I say more.

Don’t be dumb as shit. The number of people out here. Going raw. Using no condom. Depending on the pull out method. Saying “fuck it,” I’m not even gonna pull out. With no birth control. BLOWS ME. Note that if you’re not using any form of protection, you are in fact asking the lord for a baby. God bless.

“One time I’m having sex with my fwb and he doesn’t tell me that he’s not wearing a condom. You’re probably thinking I’m stupid and I should’ve figured out quick that there was no condom, but we ALWAYS used condoms and I remember him putting one on when we started. So we’re in the backshot position and I have full control. I’m wiggling around, doing all that shit. He starts moaning and freaking out, it’s great. He announces that he’s about to cum and I take this as an opportunity to start going ham… like really going ham. Next thing you know he’s damn near shoving me off his dick while catching his children in his hand.”

Condoms are one of those things that should always be assumed necessary unless discussed otherwise. No matter how long you guys have known each other or how long you’ve been smashing. And if you didn’t wrap it up… splitting for a plan B is required at the very least.

Don’t push her head down. First of all… girls pace themselves. They need to breathe. Choking on dick is a real thing. I understand that grabbing that head or ponytail of weave and forcing her to do as you please is a real turn on. However, I always find it important for all partners to have supplemental oxygen in order to survive.

Don’t be dirty. Just as you’re more inspired to indulge her in some oral action when you know she’s just washed, women are also more turned on by a tidy man. Seeing you showered, shaven, smelling good with a clean t-shirt on and with freshly brushed teeth is like foreplay to her. Guys, keep your nails cut so you don’t scratch her vagina and wash your balls if you expect her to touch them. Ladies, don’t have your feet cutting his legs cause you missed out on a couple pedicures. Also, don’t try and get ate .28 seconds after you just got off your cycle.

Don’t bring up your ex. Seems obvious, but so is everything else on this list in my opinion. No one wants to be compared to your previous partners, whether they were better or worse. Bringing up an ex, can ruin the whole experience, so if they’re still in your mind… maybe you should be screwing them and not the one in ya bed.

Do not flat-out ask did you cum? is that it? are you finished? This to me is wrong on so many levels, because of all the many inferences it makes. First of all, you not knowing is problem number one, because that means something wasn’t happening right amidst the entire process. Secondly, if they aren’t done, it makes it seem like you’re agitated that it’s not over and prefer that all of this be done, essentially applying pressure which could actually slow the ejaculation or orgasm down. Lastly, it could have this stigma of disappointment because now if you are done, I have to wait for you to be ready for another round. Therefore, just avoid the question all around.

Well folks. This is my advice. I wish you well in your sexual endeavors this year. We’re gonna learn alot. Stay tuned. 👅👅👅👅👅👅