Recently, I was told that I write from a very female perspective and can sometimes diminish the true male opinion on a lot of sexual subjects. So after explicitly expressing the amount of research I do on both the male and female side, while simultaneously defending my words to the fullest, I decided to take a break of reflection. BACK ON MY BS, I have returned from my hiatus with an attempt to advocate for the boys club. Hope I did (moderately) okay.
When I first started writing, my main question to both men and women was, “how did you learn about sex?” Now with almost a year under my belt, my newfound question is, “how do you know if you’re good at it? ”
In almost every aspect of sex, confidence can take you a long way. It’s what I encourage in damn near every article. “Confidence is key.” “Don’t be nervous.” “You got it guys.” It never occured to me that one might not have it… Hell, I might not have it and I’m the one advising you to get it. So I asked myself, “Imani, are you good at sex? ”
STORY TIME: The first time I gave head, it was absolutely terrible. My friends still flame me to this day, because apparently I should’ve been licking popsicles as a child in preparation. I can still remember the nerves rushing through my body as I went down to get started. Confidently, I opened my mouth, flipped my bob to the side and well… I don’t think it’s necessary to give details. But just know that within two minutes, I felt a hand push my head back and the question, “Have you ever given head before?” ring through my ears. [Note: This is still the most embarrassing moment of my life, up to date.] The fake confidence I previously eluded was now completely out the window and lying wasn’t an option, because obviously my head game had already told the answer. “I told you I don’t do this often,” I mumbled softly, as I sat up and stared at the Netflix movie, already 16-minutes in. Luckily, he cared enough to graciously give me on-site lessons without completely obliterating my existence. After praying to the most high (both of us) that this whole thing end, cum finally came, but to say my pride was anything short of decimated would be an understatement.
Compared to those around me, I came in the game kinda late. So the very first time I had sex, I asked him to teach me. Literally step by step. Do this. Do that. And over time, I learned exactly how to satisfy him. I was trained, leaving no doubt in my mind that I was meeting his expectations. This harbored an environment of comfortability that essentially lead to exploration.
When I moved on to different partners, I realized my confidence was lack-luster, because I hadn’t been trained to meet their needs. I had not learned what gave them the ultimate sensation, made them uncomfortable, or bust quick.
MAJORITY OF WOMEN THINK THEY’RE GREAT IN BED. SOME ARE COCKY ABOUT IT, BRAGGADOCIOUS EVEN, SAYING THEY CAN DO THIS AND THAT. WHEN MAJORITY OF WOMEN ARE TERRIBLE. NOW I CAN’T SAY THAT OUTLOUD, BECAUSE THEN I’M A DICKHEAD. BUT WOMEN CAN SLANDER YOUR NAME IN THE GROUP CHAT CAUSE THEY DON’T THINK YOU LAID GOOD ENOUGH PIPE.
I cannot lie. I’ve slandered a sexual encounter for not being what I expected, gone back to my homegirls with a negative review and ranked different elements of the experience in the group chat. IN MY DEFENSE HOWEVER, I’ve also communicated with my partners post-D, 96% of the time with an expression of gratitude + a little gas, but sometimes minor suggestions. My point?
“MOST GIRLS ARE TERRIBLE AT SEX.”
🙃 After talking to a multitude of penis-carriers, I was in shock at the insight they gave on the standard sexcapade. A defender of my species, I went to the ladies (lots and lots of ladies) to find out on average how we thought we were. Requiring evidence. Doubtfully expressing, these were some answers.
- I think I’m good… no one has ever explicitly told me, but by the way they react during sex, I would assume I’m good.
- I know my shit is good, because they keep coming back. I’ve been messing with [insert name here] for three years and he always comes back around!
- I know because my man is still here. He keeps it to his self, so no one else can have it.
- Yessss I know my shawty [referring to her box] is POPPIN … When I had a man, nigga was whipped and I know this because I was told by him and the other girl in the threesome.
- I have no doubts. I was told that it’s oddly rare for guys to nut off of head at all. So if you can make a guy do that then that’s a big plus and bonus points for shorter amount of time. Which I can.
MALE CONCEPT #1: AT THE END OF THE DAY, EVERYONE BE FAKING.
One of the arguments brought up by my lovely ladies was that making a man cum via fellatio was something believed to be impressive. However, males expressed the truth behind nutting. “Niggas can definitely control when they wanna cum. Cumming is more mental than physical and girls don’t understand that. Certain girls, you just have to force the nut. Mainly because if you don’t, she’ll be feeling some type of way that she didn’t make it happen. Just like there are certain mechanisms to hold one in, there are certain mechanisms to let one out.”
“When you’re having sex one may experience orgasm, which is usually the thing people take as the indicator sex has ‘finished’ and been ‘good’. Although that’s not always a reliable guide, since it’s perfectly possible to enjoy sex without orgasm and you can have an orgasm without the sex being all that good.”– Dr. Petra Boynton, Social Psychologists & Sex Researcher
CONCEPT #2: IF YOU’RE REALLY PUTTING IT DOWN, IT’S GONNA BE OBVIOUS.
Ladies, think about a time where you’ve really had good sex. Like squirting, squirming, screaming, multiple orgasms, etc. It’s similar for guys when it’s really good. If he’s moaning, sweating and bussin all over the place, more than likely you’ve truly impressed him. There are no tell-tale signs, but it’s hard to fake that stuff.
CONCEPT #3: MOST GIRLS ARE GOING TO THINK THEY’RE GREAT AT SEX. AND HE’S GOING TO LET YOU. GIRLS FAKE ORGASMS, WHY CAN’T HE FAKE A MOAN?
“I once had a friend whose p**ssy was not so hot. We had a mutual friend, whose friends had hit, and all of them basically said that despite how easy it was to obtain… it wasn’t worth obtaining. We weren’t sure if it was our job to tell her, cause she was the sensitive type. It was crazy though, cause she used to say that all her previous partners were just bad in bed, when little did we know…”
Girls don’t handle rejection well at all, causing male specimens to avoid the truth and eliminate problems. Hurting lady feelings interrupts the possibility of consistency, which was mentioned by every source so I’m assuming that’s pretty important. Therefore, just like with other things, they let us think one way, despite it being wrong.
“When girls have a lot of sex appeal they think their sex is bomb when it might not even be. My ex was a stripper, had an amazing body, but sucked at sex. She probably think her shit was fire.”
“Every girl who feels the need to tell me she’s good at giving head or having sex without me asking, is usually terrible. I’d assume it’s the same with men.”
“Why would a guy fuck up consistent sex from a girl he can teach what he likes by getting her confidence low?”
SO WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?
You’ll never really know unless someone flat-out says it. And they’ll probably tell their friends you’re valid before they consider telling you. BUT I WANT TO KNOW. WHAT IF I’M WALKING AROUND THINKING I’M HOT SHIT AND I’M NOT. Heard you sis.
NOTE: There are a number of significant factors that determine whether or not sex is above average. The amount of time ones been without sex, the last time one’s nutted, the emotional connection they have with you. Multiple factors. But if you want to know about YOU, give and receive feedback as a gift.
“People are often afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings, so they withhold information. I know it is intimidating to give this kind of very personal feedback to your partner, but it’s an important part of maintaining — and increasing — intimacy over time.” — Dr. Aline Zoldbrod, Psychologist, Sex Therapist.
My recommended strategy involves a verbal conversation, FaceTime call or lovely text message, similar to a Post-Game Show. You talk about big plays, MVP moments, and make predictions for the next game.
Me being the perfectionist (and weirdo) that I am, I’m always thinking of sex as a learning opportunity, which means I need answers. Now there’s no pre-printed document or google form that hits their email within 24 hours, but somehow/someway I’m going to strategically figure out if shit was lit. You could be better at riding. You gotta stay still and not run. Baby, you think you’re arching, but you’re not. — These are some of my notes from the past.
🗣This ain’t pillow talk though. “Being critical while someone is naked in bed is going to not only be hurtful, but may make them less open to new sexual experiences with you. If you really need to offer feedback, wait until the next day when the chemicals are back to baseline and you are both fully clothed.”
As scary as it sounds to be critiqued, it can pinpoint exactly where you need improvement. Plus showing appreciation boosts confidence and helps form an open environment.
- Closed-Ended Questions: “Did you notice when I…?” “Did you like it when I… ?” “Was your orgasm the same, less or more intense than the last time?”
- Open-Ended Questions — “What was your favorite part of that?” “Which of those positions did you like best?” “So about last night… #AskingForAFriend” “Ahhh tell me more?” “Elaborate.” “Wait what?! Explain.” “Really? Give me details.”
Clinical Sexologist, Dr. Martha Lee suggests using a scale of 1–10 to get a specific ranking of how things are going. You can discover your strengths/weaknesses and even further evaluate your skill set.
- “On a scale of one to ten, what do you think of (last night/this technique/position/etc.)?” “Why is this an eight, and that a six? What is it about this that makes it an eight?” “How would you rank today’s (experience/ orgasm, etc) compared to the last time?”
“Once you talk to a guy about sex, it makes it easier to ask further up questions later. Cause the awkward part is out-of-the-way. At that point, it’s just figuring out if I’ve gotten better and if he realizes i’m actually trying to get better, he’ll end up helping me while we’re having sex.”
This goes for getting what you want out of sex also (and asking for something new!)
- “You know that thing you did, where you bit my lip? I loved that.”
- “Bruh, when you were going really slow…that felt amazing.”
- “When you grabbed me and tossed me on the bed. I’m getting wet just thinking about it now smh.”
- “The way you teased me the other night… I’m expecting that next time, sir.”
- “I really loved you blindfolding me. What if next time we tried tying up my hands too?”
- “The whole bending me over the desk, whispering in my ear, aggressive thing you had going on last night… here for it. We should do it in front of a mirror next time.”
- “Everything was just great. You probably don’t even realize how great it was. There was this one point, where if you had just moved a little slower, I probably would’ve came right then.”
For some reason, us humans hate communicating despite it saving us lots of time and energy. Many of us are assumers. But we can’t assume our partner just knows everything. (Especially when 70% of the time we don’t know what we want ourselves). Recently, I was given a quite random draft report on my head game and as much as I want to drop the screenshot to prove ya girl is finally up, my friends told me to act like I have some sense. Just know that I AIN’T NO GRASSHOPPA! THE STUDENT HAS BECOME THE MASTER.
And as much as I want to accredit it to the six hours of research I spent the night I was exploited for not sucking popsicles as a child. More likely than not, it was the feedback more than anything.
IT’S TIME TO EXPOSE.
*Maybe you could save a life lol.