MY SISTER GOT PREGNANT AND I WENT ON A PUSSY STRIKE. IT ONLY LASTED A COUPLE WEEKS LOL, BUT BEST BELIEVE IT WAS A REAL THING. THERE I WAS LAYING IN BED CRYING, “I JUST CAN’T DO THIS. I’M NOT ON BIRTH CONTROL. I KNOW WE’RE USING CONDOMS, BUT MY SISTER JUST GOT PREGNANT AND IF I GET PREGNANT…” AS HE ROLLED HIS EYES AND TRIED TO CALM ME DOWN FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.

Pregnancy scares (let alone actually getting pregnant) can really force one to put their life into perspective. One minute you’re watching cute baby videos, next thing you know a sonogram is on your TL. The challenge of having sex, without becoming a legal guardian is one we all fight together. And whether it’s thanking God for the sight of blood or scraping up $$ for that special pill — we’ve all been there in some form or fashion.

Getting nutted in is normally not a terrible experience. He thrust himself inside you, pulls your bodies closer together, and then makes that super weird face accompanied by an awkward groan. Numb from his release, you guys lay there united in harmony. #AMoment — It’s only a few seconds later that you peep the condom broke, his timing was off or he just said “fuck a pull out” altogether. How one gets pregnant may seem like a dumb question, but when you’re laying side by side trying to work out probabilities, this quick little summary might be useful.

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LORD KNOWS I’M NOT A DOCTOR, BUT HERE’S MY UNDERSTANDING

A man’s cum is a mixture of bodily fluids and millions of sperm cells that can swim like Michael Phelps. A female’s ovaries store a limited number of eggs and release one each month in preparation for pregnancy. Ovulation or the “releasing of an egg” occurs halfway throughout one’s cycle and marks the most likely time for you to get 🤰🏾. That egg is pressed to find sperm and for up to six days, sperm is swimming around quite pressed to find that egg. If they meet, the egg fertilizes, grows and attaches to the uterus, officially starting one’s pregnancy. But if the two never meet or maybe that fertilized egg just decides not to stick, your body will shed it’s internal lining — giving one their period.

Pregnancy is a possibility EVERY time you participate in the act, but the implementation of birth control, condoms, and/or pulling out drastically changes the probabilities of certain outcomes. The body takes 2-3 weeks to do it’s thing, hence why peeing on a stick right after sex is useless. A missed period, however, is your bodies first warning sign.

“I WILL OVERDOSE ON PLAN B BEFORE A NIGGA CALLS ME THEIR BABYMAMA” — @champagnemebikhol

Women are the creators of this Earth, and I can guarantee you whether shorty wants kids or not — she’s thought about motherhood at some point in her life. The same way all women have a mental picture of their wedding, she has a couple bullets on with whom, when and how her first child is supposed to enter into this world. In short, I’m saying we can get very emotional. 

“First thing that ran through my mind was wtf have you done bitch. Secondly, my momma gone kill me.” “I pray ‘Lord, I promise I won’t have sex ever again. Please bring my period. Please God, you know I don’t know what do with a baby.’” “I was thinking about how expensive an abortion is and how ima get that shmoney. He just wanted me to be sure before we said anything.”

The mind drifts to a similar place with men, but only if they deem it appropriate. Unlike the majority of women, men know their bodies fairly well and if they’ve been at this sex game for a while, they’re pretty familiar when panic should be introduced. “There are times I’m not worried because I know this girl is not pregnant.” However, when they DO feel a baby is a logistical problem, their gender’s natural problem-solving capabilities often shine through. I have a friend that stores morning afters in his glove compartment, that way no one has to wake up the next morning and go to the store. (He also got me hip to the mobile coupon that gets you $10 off your purchase.)

Panic, disappointment, and sometimes rage can dismantle people from taking appropriate action. And one of the most common disputes is whose payinnn?

TWO TANGO & THEREFORE TWO PAY

I never understood why this subject was so complicated. Relationships are fifty-fifty, and therefore so should the finances in these instances. But I’ve also bought and gone to get all the Plan B’s I’ve ever had to take, solo dolo — Each time because my anxiety just kicked in and I started thinkin’ about childbirth. However, the implementation of city girls energy has changed the female’s fiscal expectations of men.

“Every Plan B I had, the man paid. Because he knew he fucked up so he had to pay, Cash Cash.” “I’ve heard of women getting mad cause dude wanted to go half. They aren’t cheap. If they were only like 20 bucks that would be different but them shits like $50. We both did this not me.” “If it’s your mans I feel like y’all should split it or he should just go get it, but at the same time, me being me, I’m not about to wait around so I would just go get it on my own.” 

I’m one of those strong, black women who don’t need no man, but I will say copping a Plan B is low-key stressful. You have to press the button at the pharmacy for someone to come unlock the box or ask for it specifically at the register. If it’s a black woman ringing you up, best believe she’s staring loudly. And in your mind, it feels like she’s saying…

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I’M SO SERIOUS LMAO

Certain University pharmacies distribute emergency contraceptives for less or have vending machines dedicated to contraceptives. But for the most part that $50 is a requirement at Planned Parenthood, Women’s Health Centers, and your local CVS. Still, there are those who refuse to cough up any cash. “I hit him and he responded, ‘Do what you need to do.’ Talmbout ‘YOU’ like he wasn’t in this thang with me. Sent him a cash app request and he never responded. Moral of the story: Niggas ain’t shit.”

IMMEDIATE RESPONSE — OVER THE COUNTER LEVONORGESTREL (AKA PLAN B, MY WAY, PREVENTEZA, OR TAKE ACTION)

You have 72 hours to inhale one and effectiveness decreases as the time passes. It’s actually the same drug as the standard birth control pill, just a much larger dose. Fun Fact: One could take multiple of their primary bc pills to equate to the emergency dosage, but it requires medical assistance to be conducted properly. (Please don’t try this @ home). It works by delaying ovulation and halting the ovaries egg release, not affecting already existing pregnancies. More importantly, you shouldn’t be taking these every two weeks, because it can f up your whole system. THIS IS A BACKUP, NOT A PRIMARY BIRTH CONTROL METHOD. 

“I took it one time and it barely affected me. I took it a different time and that shit had me fucked up. I almost called out of work, because I woke up in a daze, head on fire, stomach on ten. And this lasted for almost three days.”

This melt in your mouth lifesaver can cause early, late, heavier or lighter periods. Spotting or bleeding may occur prior to your cycle, and nausea, lower abdominal cramps, tiredness, headaches, dizziness, breast tenderness, and vomiting are all possible side effects. If it’s been over a week since your expected bleed out… welp.

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“IT’S A CRAZY WORLD WE LIVE IN”

A BABY? YOU GOT BABY MONEY?!

Let’s say we’re pregnant. Emotions are at an all-time high between both partners. It’s important to note that women realize they’re a “mother” the moment they find out they’re pregnant. A reel of future memories flashes before their eyes. First steps. Birthday parties. They’ve fast-forwarded all the way to Senior prom. Lots of worry and lots of fear. But somehow, that mustard seed of fear slowly grows into joy + excitement. 

When I asked my male specimens what was their common reaction, they all responded with the same five words— “Depends on who it is.”

“YOU SURE IT’S MINE?!” When he’s a body on YOUR roster, and he knows it, the question of who, what, when, where and how always comes into conversation. And it’s a valid question because with multiple partners it can be unclear the actual source of your Michael Phelps. Not only are they rightfully in need of assurance, but they’re more likely to question whether or not you’re even actually pregnant. Minimal trust has been previously developed so this transition can be quite difficult.

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“I CAN ALREADY PICTURE OUR LITTLE GIRL NOW.” The trapper is often unexpected and honestly quite scary. Sometimes niggas feel they lucked up getting you as a baby mama. Even if you’re platonic, it guarantees a relationship for the rest of your lives. “My first scare my reaction was all over the place. I’m a naturally calm person so externally I was cool. Internally I was on the verge of a panic attack every day. He was happy, had baby names on go and everything, which is why I believe (to this day) he tried to trap me.”

I REALLY PUT A BABY IN YOU HUH?” “If I really care about someone, I’m going to tell her to just lmk what she wants. I’ll inform her what I want to do, but I can’t do anything but support them. Cause she has every right to do whatever.” “I’m thinking ‘is she really pregnant? I don’t think my girl would cheat on me, but I don’t remember this happening.’” “I’m still bringing up abortions, cause my girl and I have always had an understanding from the beginning that if this happens — we’re not keeping it. We’re just not ready.”

“Getting a girl pregnant you don’t really fw is the worst, because on one side I empathize and sympathize and respect you, but also I’m not trying to have this baby. If you stick your dick in her though… you have to take care it.”

“It’s a double standard, because women want us to pay for the Plan B or the abortion, but let’s say she wants to keep the baby and I don’t, my opinion is dismissed.”

MEN ALSO BROUGHT UP A CONVERSATION THAT WE FAIL TO COMMONLY DISCUSS. ARE BOTH PARTIES RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DECISION? OFTEN TIMES THERE’S A FEAR OF BEING TRAPPED INTO MARRIAGE OR STUCK IN A RELATIONSHIP YOU DON’T WANT. AS PROVIDERS, MEN THINK OF THE FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS THAT WILL SOON BE REQUIRED. THEY ALSO QUESTION WHETHER THEY’RE EVEN CAPABLE OF BEING A GOOD “DAD” AND PROPERLY RAISING A CHILD.

“If you know the guy is raggedy or you have recently discovered he is raggedy and prolly not gone do what he needs to do, I say it’s your choice but he should still be aware of the choice.”

As someone who watched this situation play out more than once, it can definitely get sticky. You’ve got the old jawn coming back pregnant with expectations to rebuild. You’ve got the side jawn ready to use this as her advancement to your main. You’ve got the main jawn upset that you’re so pressed to schedule an appointment. 

WOMEN: Do whatever you want to do. You’re allowed to think about the baby’s best interest. You’re allowed to think about your best interest. You’re allowed to do whatever you want to do. EXCEPT, start wilding. Babies should not be used to “secure the bag.” Babies should not be used to intentionally stress out niggas. Babies don’t give you an excuse to break up his current relationship and babies don’t always mean y’all need to work things out. This might be harsh to hear, but I truly believe it’s an important lesson. A baby does not mean the ole boy has to drop everything and make you his queen. I’ve witnessed this mindset play out negatively (for both men and women) even after the baby was born. It is his job to support the BABY, not necessarily you. He should be informed so that he can be involved.

MEN: Life ain’t fair, but you gotta adapt in order to survive. The best way to express your opinion is by showing that you understand it’s not your decision. Anger, frustration, and force will only add more tension to the air and prolong the decision-making process. In a time of uncertainty, it can be difficult to accommodate rather than constantly question her mental space. But in the words of a friend, “I’ve learned that you have to do what you have to do in order to meet your end goal. If that means caking up with her and giving her that extra attention through the process. It’s necessary. Because honestly, she needs it.” You’re really the only person that’s going through this with her, so as she naturally aims to get closer, it’s your job to hold her down rather than in-sensitively push her away. Though it’s not common male protocol to dish out why you’re stressed, it is extremely common of the woman and I recommend listening. More importantly, remember what you’re asking her to do. “When it comes to this type of stuff I feel that men could be a little more sympathetic about how we feel. We’re scared too! I don’t want to be pregnant no more than they want to be a father right now.”

WHY? SHOULD YOU ASK, WELL WELL–

      1. The “embarrassment of pregnancy:” The man never has to physically endure the eyes or questions of random strangers while carrying the child. Weight change, breast enlargement, frequent urination, and puke are all early changes that can be easily peeped from outsiders. And people are nosy. 
      1. Psychological Effects: There is a different level of emotion that comes with feeling a baby inside of you and then suddenly feeling nothing. Though abortions normally come with a sense of relief, the possible feelings of guilt and/or shame take much longer to dwindle — if they ever do at all.
    1. No True Scapegoat: Essentially, women can’t dismiss the situation. Men have the option to kinda… ignore it. They can remain absent from pregnancy. Dip upon the child’s arrival. Proceed with no support if they choose. Legally, they don’t usually have many rights to the child, to begin with.

“It is not hard to understand why both federal and state laws endow the mother of the child with absolute rights of custody. As a maternal birth mother, society supports the idea that an infant is best suited to the care of his or her mother, in almost all cases. While that is a relief to women who are not opposed to unplanned parenthood, the bias can also virtually eliminate the responsible participation and legal obligation for biological fathers.”

Hence, why though it is y’all’s baby, it is definitely her choice. Regardless of how you feel about abortions — I think it’s fair to stay educated on what exactly it is. 

“I wasn’t fond of her dad by then, so I was stuck like should I keep the baby or not. I was like what am I going to do as a mom idk wtf I’m doing.”

Informed men are more keen to help the woman go forward with her decision (or even start the discussion). And contrary to popular belief, it turns out men know a lot more than I think. “Guys do their research. I think most of them understand. I have met some that don’t tho. Like they really don’t get it. Generally speaking, I don’t feel guys understand the severity of abortions and why. Really all depends on the man.” “Abortion is such a sensitive topic. I do feel that a child should not be brought into the world in an unstable relationship nor is it fair to abort a blessing from God. A discussion definitely needs to be had between both partners.”

ABORTIONS

Your options really depend on how far along you are within the pregnancy. Within ten weeks of your last period, you can opt for the pill. In-clinic abortions vary by state but normally aren’t performed surpassing 24 weeks. Both are above 90 percent effective and if the pill doesn’t work, more medicine or an in-clinic abortion is still possible.

MEDICATION ABORTION AKA THE PILL: This can be done at home or wherever you feel most comfortable. It’s considered “more natural,” because it is less invasive than surgical options. Cost range from $400 to $1,000, but where you get it and insurance coverage can alter actual costs.

You take two different medicines to end a pregnancy:  Mifepristone blocks your body from growing the baby, while Misoprostol induces bleeding. The second can be taken right after the first or up to 48 hours, but within 1–4 hours one begins emptying out their uterus. It is described as an extremely heavy, crampy period and very similar to an early miscarriage.

It’s normal to see large blood clots (up to the size of a lemon) or clumps of tissue when this is happening. The cramping and bleeding can last for several hours. Most people finish passing the pregnancy tissue in 4–5 hours, but it may take longer. The cramping and bleeding slows down after the pregnancy tissue comes out. You may have cramping on and off for 1 or 2 more days.

Upset stomach, vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, tiredness, and mild fever or chills are first day symptoms. Afterward, bleeding and spotting are considered normal for several weeks after your abortion. You may also have tender breasts, and they may leak a milky discharge.

IN-CLINIC ABORTION: 

VACUUM ASPIRATION (SUCTION ABORTION) — first trimester: If you’ve had a pelvic exam or pap smear, you already know the position. The health care provider uses a tool to keep the vag open, swabs the cervix with an antiseptic solution, injects an anesthetic to numb it and inserts a small tube to clear out its contents. Afterward, you’re required to rest for thirty minutes and then you’re free to go.

DILATION & EVACUATION (D&E)– second trimester: With this procedure, your cervix is dilated using laminaria sticks or other tools. Medication is sometimes given to soften the uterus. From here the process is the same as the vacuum aspiration, except other tools are added to scrape the inside of the uterus. An ultrasound can be used to make sure everything is cleared and in some cases, a shot is given to stop the fetal heartbeat. It normally takes around 20 mins to complete, and after an hour you’re allowed to leave. Medication to contract your uterus and reduce bleeding is often prescribed.

DILATION & EXTRACTION (D&X)– further along: This procedure required specialized service and is often reserved for those with medical complications. For sedation, you might be offered a general IV of anesthesia. All the preliminary and post-procedure steps are the same as the D&E. The differences have to do with altering the fetus size in order for it to pass through the cervix.

Cramping and light bleeding can continue for up to two weeks, but you can be back on your feet within a few days. Follow-up appointments are often required, where one can discuss when sex or tampon usage can come back into play. These cost up to $1,500 but again vary depending on location, insurance coverage, and the current length of pregnancy.

I’ve witnessed girls get an abortion and be back on the gram the next day, relieved from the experience. However, a support system is extremely important for those who struggle with the transition. For those using the pill, someone to rub your back, pass the heating pad, or simply greet you with a smile post toilet dump can really go a long way. Now is not the time to get your strokes off, as sex is often not encouraged for up to a month post-abortion. Additionally, checking on shorty (even if you’re not together) to make sure she’s recovering well is something I think all men should do.

AND IF WE’VE GOT A MINI Y’ALL OTW — REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS STILL GOOD.

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“I thought dudes would steer clear and they did the opposite. They really aren’t that concerned. Sometimes I think we are more consumed by it then they are. Especially if they just want sex, because supposedly sex with pregnant women is lovely.” 

“ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS BEING YOUR BABY DADDY?”

My mom implanted this in my brain years before I started having sex and to this day, I make a conscious decision to ask it before being sexually active. If you can’t get tested, discuss your status, afford a baby, or act responsibly with any form of preventive measures… you prolly shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.

“You gotta know what you fucking. Nigga ain’t just gone be fucking no random bitch raw. Nigga probably gone fuck the bitch they been fucking for a minute. She probably ain’t fucking nobody else but them at the time. Nigga ain’t just walking around fucking anything without no condom though. You stupid if you is.”

The average man hates condoms and condones birth control as an excuse to shoot the club up, but many women don’t like birth control — and the number of stories of women still getting pregnant is actually, alarming.

“I was really shook… it literally only takes 30 seconds to a minute to create a life. Like this baby was clearly meant to be here, cause the chances!” “When I was with my girl, I never pulled out. Even when I knew she missed her pill. Because in my mind, if it happens, it happens. I plan on spending the rest of my life with her regardless.”

Birth control has numerous pros and cons. Though many women encourage its usage through even your driest of droughts, others let it go because of all it comes with. Preventive measures don’t have to mean condoms or one of the various forms of birth control. It can be tracking your period, so you know which days your body’s in LET’S MAKE A BABY mode. It can be pulling out when you know your girl has missed two or more pills in the same month. It can be strategically choosing who you decide to engage with sexually.

IT CAN EVEN BE SAYING NO.

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