My relationship with sex this pandemic has been filled with highs and lows. At one point I was searching the internet to see whether bodily fluids could spread the virus. I was questioning whether I should be letting niggas in my house, let alone in my p*ssy. I was scrolling my thread for old sex tapes or ANYTHING that could help me get my nut off. I was giving out “best dick awards” with my girls out of pure boredom. Sexting at 2PM, like I was 6 mimosas down at Sunday brunch. Twerking on Facetime, like I was just pinged into Quarantine Radio (fuck Tory, btw). Even started a bumble account, just to see men what men looked like on the outside world. It was only a matter of time before the toxic “check-ins” occurred, and yes, y’all know my toxic ass did some “checking-in” as well. 

If you’ve dealt with me on an interpersonal level, you know i’m a lil’ hornball. But what I quickly realized as the pandemic extended longer and longer, was that everyone not stuck in a box with the love of their life was becoming desperate for love and affection. I couldn’t enjoy one fish taco with a man outdoors, without him trying to move the party to his place, rip my clothes off and bust some cheeks. What had me even more flabbergasted was the dramatic personal soliloquy’s where they’d explicitly state, “i’ve been pussy-free for [redacted] many days, so I quote on quote … need this?

It was not big dick energy. In fact, it was very nigga, did you just say that out-loud energy. And that’s coming from a shorty who thoroughly enjoys turning pillow talk into therapy sessions. Here I was taking another slurp of my frozen margarita like… “I hate to hear that bro. Let’s split this tab. Gotta blast!” It wasn’t until I found myself laid up with one particular dick carrier that I found myself thinking, Damn, I might HAVE to fuck this nigga.

All of us woman know there are a multitude of dicks out there. The banana, the hook, the C- shaped that curves to the side. You’ve got the long and skinny dick, the long and thick dick, the hammer whose tip is much larger than the shaft. The penis that narrows out at the head, the pepper that’s girthy as hell, but shorter in length. The growers. The showers. The micropenis, the smaller than avg. package, the best of both worlds sausage, and the world’s most common, consistent width, pointing straight down, average sized penis.

The more dicks you see, the more you start realizing it’s a bit of a wild card down there — and more so, that his package is your primary prerequisite to how the nights gonna go. Those pants could come off and you realize your jaw’s gonna be sore for the next three days, or you realize it’s gonna take some teamwork to make the dream work. So of course we have favorites.

This man I was laying in bed with had been inside me a thousand times. Not any time near close to recently, but here I was cuddled up like it was two-thousand [redacted] chatting about the current times. Slowly, but surely, his already impressive shower, begin to grow past the length of his briefs. He had the perfect dick. I mean, the thing was gorgeous. I’d get that shit 3D printed if I could. It was already difficult ending things, but having to accept that I was breaking up with his dick too was honestly tear worthy. The thought of somebody riding that shit right now has me tight. My body tensed up as I began reminiscing on it’s powers. My panties were slowly being absorbed by my juices. He grabbed my ass just the way I liked it, and whispered under his breath, “You know this dick is too good to pass on.

I immediately stopped. He was one thousand percent correct. I had reminisced on this dick a few times if we’re being honest. Good dicks are like good head, the memory takes a while to fade. But how the hell did he figure out his dick was literally top-tier? Did someone actually spill the tea or was he just presenting big dick energy, to match his big dick? Cause never had I seen him act like this before (and never did I tell this man it was top-two, not two).

I’ve been on this platform talking about penises and vaginas since 2016, and if there’s anything you should’ve learned by now it’s that all women are different. However I want to apologize to my Kings, because rarely do I discuss the differences in men.

I haven’t differentiated my advice based upon the variety of shapes and sizes, when it makes an extreme difference on how you should go about having sex. The biggest dick of your life could easily become the worst sex if it’s not used appropriately. And the smallest dick of your life… probably won’t be the best sex of your life, I’m not gonna hold you. BUT it can still provide a toe-curling, extremely satisfying, fulfilling, healthy sex life. So I went to my male sources and start asking the tough questions: how do you know if you’re really carrying a big dick? It became obviously clear that some of y’all have no clue how you compare or what’s actually on the market. You just know your shit holds you down. Which is cute, except does it???

Outside of the actual vagina, female features can be viewed externally for general comparison. However for men, the opportunity to compare requires pure exposure. And even a grey sweatpants competition could do some of the growers dirty. Based upon the women’s initial reactions, their post-sex reactions, and the occasional verbal confirmation, men are forced to loosely hypothesize how they essentially size up. *invisible ink* I think it’s important to note that I obviously don’t know the size of my sources penises, but each and every one claimed their dick was big. Which more than likely means they’re … lol, let me mind my business.

Women have different theories on predicting men’s packages simply off of physique and personal demeanor. BIG DICK ENERGY was described by woman as a real thing. An aura. A presence. A particular way you carry yourself. But they also mentioned they’ve been fooled before. It’s damn near like playing the lottery. According to the streets….

– tall, skinny niggas– stout
– short niggas with an attitude (dababy)– the man screaming his dick is bomb
– don’t do a lot of talking– built like a ninja turtle
– thighs a lil thick
– got a lil pudge like shiggy
not current shiggy, he done gained a few…

On episode 187 of the Joe Budden Podcast, the crew was casually having a discussion on safe sex practices and began slandering Joe on his preference for Durex condoms. After realizing no one was fucking with his answer, Joe hilariously spurted “Wait, my dick small?” and everyone bust out laughing. So here I am (the people’s champ) with a few parameters to help you determine where your dick really ranks without getting laughed at or judged. Because let me tell you … us women definitely have our favorites. If you didn’t see how we reacted when we saw DaBaby’s alleged penis, you honestly missed out on some LUSTY vibes. And whether you meet the criteria or not, learning how to please a woman with whatever the Lord blessed you with is KEY to not getting left on read.

I asked a multitude of women for the blue print of the perfect dick. And Every. Single. Woman. I kid you not, said long (ish) and pushing towards thick.

When erect, the average penis is 5.6 inches long and 4.8 inches in circumference. Now I would assume you’re not carrying a tape measure around like a weirdo, so let’s think in terms of a dollar bill (6.14 inches). The first A in America represents 4″ and the end of the one represents 5″. If you’ve surpassed the dollar bill baby boyyyyyyy, you’ve found yourself in a special category. According to Urologists, the proper measurement is from the base of your pubic bone to the tip of the head (top side). I’m not encouraging you to measure your dick, just ya know… being informative.

“I had an experience with a long dick and my cervix still hasn’t forgiven me. A lot of men think length = superb dick off rip and that’s not the case.”

Only 15% of men are exceeding the 7-inch mark, and only 3% are pushing past 8, but EVERY MAN (particularly those with the daddy long stroke) needs to be aware of this thing called a cervix: the tissue connecting the uterus and vagina. Vaginas are normally three to seven inches long, but have the ability to stretch even wider when aroused. Certain positions known for deep penetration such as doggy-style or missionary, increase the chance of penis-cervix interaction. However, a dick of a certain caliber introduces this risk whether intending to deeply penetrate or not. And think of a penis ramming a cervix as painful as someone stomping on a testicle. Hence, why I said long-ish.

“Skinny dicks can go, because what was the reason @God? Fill me up or move!”

In most cases, girth was described as much more important than length. It doesn’t have to be extend-o, if it’s thick enough to make us feel something. Typical of women huh? To be all about the feels. Women argued that even the lengthiest of dicks resulted in a lack of connection physically and spiritually if they were skinny. I can’t tell you the number of times someone said, “I like my hole to feel full,” when I asked why girth was important. The same way men like to experience the whole penis covered in head… women like to experience their whole vagina filled with penetration. That’s why raw sex can sometimes feel like a whole new dick. The walls of the vagina are being stimulated to where the body feels fully touched. If you’re a little on the lean side, aim for positions that shorten the vaginal width. You want to keep the thigh enclosed or knees buckled to create tighter spaces.

The shmedium is easier to handle whether it’s with penetration or fellatio. Just because you can put a whole cucumber down your throat doesn’t mean it’s fun to do on a routine basis.

And when it comes to the super thick… buildup and foreplay are the ways to make sex most enjoyable. Men with larger loads tend to feel overly aggressive. Whether the aggression is any different is honestly debatable, but without the proper warm up you can cause vaginal tears. And one thing no one wants is bleeding mid-sex. The head of the penis and first third of the vagina are the most sensitive areas, so start slow with the entrance area and build into the nastiness. Make sure she’s properly lubricated, so you know it’s safe to enter!!! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, “the feeling of you softly sliding in and out is just as memorable as you deep within.” Positions for dicks with massive heft include spooning, standing doggystyle, and all the cowgirl positions that allow controlled pressure.

Then there’s the women that want it all, which is very much so the minority. They want the extra schlong combined with the heft of a thick dick.

“You know that feeling when a nigga stroking yo shit.. and it hurts, but it feels good at the same time. I like the pain. King Kong lay it down on me.”

Neurotically speaking, there’s actually a thin line between plain and pleasure. Your body sends out very similar neurotic responses, and sometimes it’s not until the limit is pushed that your body realized hey, hey! this is not fun! A good slap on the ass might excite you, but getting damn near choked to death might not have the same effect. That being said, the same way it takes a certain preference to enjoy BDSM… it take a certain preference to enjoy sex with a huge dick. Pain tolerance (and the enjoyment of pain) is completely relative to the individual. 


I know y’all heard Meg when she said she like a dick with a little bit of curve. For many this physical feature is an exciting plus, but not a necessity. In fact, it was described as an “extra razzle dazzle” with a sparkle emoji and everything. However, many women also described curves as extremely uncomfortable. They discussed the frustration of having to be more conscious during sex, always working to position their bodies to avoid discomfort and unease. If you read my personal expose of sex with my first curved dick, you understand how overwhelming the experience can be. Curves rubbing directly on your G-spot result in this overpowering build where you feel like you’re about to nut after two seconds, while curves rubbing on the opposing side of your G-spot can literally feel like a hook got stuck in you the wrong way. Meanwhile, C-shaped ding a lings have you thinking you’re about to break his dick. Those accustomed to these penises find it hard to live without, but strategic placement is the key to success for these types.

Being “too thick” and “too short” wasn’t flying too well with the ladies, but the combination of the two caused damn near an uproar:

“It was in the dark, so I didn’t really look, but my hand was only going down so far and yeah… I tried to remain… cause you don’t want to embarrass anybody.”

“He knew what he was doing, but because he doesn’t have the resources, I couldn’t feel anything. It feels like a child inside of you.”

“This is by far the worst combination, because in my experience — the guy was stroking, but I was just drying out because it didn’t felt like anything was happening.”

How does one know their dick might not hitting anything? If the little guy keeps falling out, that’s your first sign. Especially if she’s really wet or lube and liquids are involved, this can easily turn into a slip ‘n slide gone wrong. When positions aren’t provoking a reaction, or she hits you with a “deeper,” but there’s no more dick to give. My love, you might be on the smaller size. But this doesn’t mean you have to demolish the idea of effective penetration.

Every form of doggystyle needs to be your friend. And I’m not just talking about her bent over and you standing off the bed. You need to be in that guy. Think pressure! Lift a leg up. Lift both legs up. Interlock knees. Create a seat. You need to get as creative as possible to mimic deeper penetration. Missionary can also be satisfying if you lift her pelvis with a few pillows under her butt or place her legs atop ones shoulders. Even consider switching the power dynamic and doing missionary with her on top. Anal should also be your best friend (if you’re comfortable with the idea).

Men in these categories are also expected, without doubt, to essentially eat you out and make you cum 9 times like Big Sean. The filling aspect of sex is extremely important, because it serves as the base to getting a woman to cum. A filling dick can you have creaming off the strength of just being present. So if the chances that penetration can’t make do what needs to be done, exceptional head is where you must take the cake.

I want everyone to remember: it’s not about size, it’s about satisfaction. We don’t want to be stuffed, just fulfilled.

Also props to me, because I did not fuck that man (but I did suck the hell out of his dick).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s