From the first kiss to the first time you let them hit, dating is full of physical attraction and sexual tension. But actually talking about sex and the things you desire can be a bit tricky. So today we’re going to discuss how to have engaging conversations with your partner, whether it’s the first date or four hundred and fifty-five nights in.

the first date

Ahh the first date! You sit across from each other with a million questions running through one’s brain. Are they as attractive as their instagram alludes? Should I bring up intentions or will the conversation evolve over time? How is the tab going to be split? When it comes to the intermingling of private parts, it can seem premature to bring up such a thing during this stage. But I find it easier (and smarter) to introduce the topic of sex prior to anyone’s emotions getting involved. Approach it more as a general topic, than an action to be performed specifically by the two of you.

My sexual ice-breaker is always my sex blog. I comedically defend my angelic nature, oddly contradicted by my love of sex articles right out of the gate. And is my forwardness reflected poorly on my character? If anything it’s a seduction tactic used to create allure.

By subtly introducing sex into the conversation you are giving the other person permission to comfortably activate their own personal desires. This can be done quite easily!

  • Predict how long the couples around you have been dating.
  • Discuss your celebrity crushes.
  • Ask if they’ve ever had sex in a restaurant bathroom.
  • Hell, play f#@k, marry, kill just to spice up dessert. 

Everyone doesn’t feel comfortable bringing up such a hot topic, but if you keep it fun and engaging there shouldn’t be any negative repurcussions. Want a recipe for a disaster? Ask about the last time you had sex or the number of bodies you’ve acquired. You’re basically asking for the person to lie to your face. The fling I ended last week has nothing to do with the date we’re on today! 🤪

There are a few people who like to get straight to the point. Ya-know the non-time wasters. If you feel it necessary to bring up that hey, I practice celibacy, i’m only interested in having sex within exclusive relationships, or i’d  like to have sex with you tonight, but I have an STD I need to inform you about. Da ya thing. Just remember: your tone controls the narrative of the story. Light & Fluffly!

road to DTR

When you’re on the road to “defining the relationship,” you’re normally following one of two paths: You have already introduced sex, but you’re unsure of their feelings -OR- You’re sure of their feelings, but you have yet to introduce sex. I hate to make it seem like “sex” is the defining factor when it comes to sealing the deal, but truth be told– a lot of times it is. 

There’s nothing like having the best dates in the world, stamping to the group chat that he or she is the one, and that first sexual encounter being overwhelmingly lack-luster. You can quote me on this folks: An unsatisfactory sex life will slowly produce an unfulfilling relationship. And one thing about us humans… we love to be satisfied and fulfilled. Both an emotional and physical connection are required to successfully take on commitment. 

Commitment is the death of fantasy.

in the words of my male counterparts…

If the woman you always wanted in college, the MILF next door, your favorite former body, or Lori Harvey picked you as her next handsome beaux, you would be restricted from saying yes. 

I blame pornography.

Those six-minute intros of the maid suddenly deciding she’s ready to risk it all mid-kitchen clean have the male psyche thinking anything is possible. Though the thought of Damson Idris, Drake, or Brent Faiyaz sliding in my DM’s and offering a night of mind-blowing sex is appealing, it is swiftly accompanied by a “chile, this will never happen.” But for men, it’s the fact that if they were that one in a million. If they were blessed with a set of twins who adored them so deeply, that they were willing to tag-team the sloppy-toppy right now. He would have to say no. And to the man, this is utter defeat. 

Why have I given you a male vs. female fantasy run-down? Because in the DTR stage of dating, it’s all about consistent implementation. You want to ease your partner’s relationship anxiety by reminding them that I am, and forever shall be the most invigorating REALITY available to you.   

Here it’s time to learn each other’s wants and needs and supply them to the best of one’s ability. It’s about being vocal with how you want it, where you want it, and the speed of which it should come. And because you’re still in the “defining” stage, let that motivate you to be as carefree as possible. Rather than trying to convince or impress, let your untroubled attitude represent the perfect place to settle down.

bump in the road

Arguments here! Quarrels there! Headaches and frustration everywhere! When the road gets a little bumpy, which it always seems to get, approach sex as the ultimate intimacy builder. 

Earlier I stated that an unsatisfactory sex life will slowly produce an unfulfilling relationship. But the vice versa applies as well. An unfulfilling relationship will slowly produce an unsatisfactory sex life. One of my most common recommendations with couples is to approach conflict like a conversation, not a confrontation. 

Rather than withholding sex in arguments or selfishly using your partner for satisfaction in a time of distress, couples must weaponize their intimacy as a way to stay faithfully connected. Sex is often perceived as a special bond between two people. It requires effective communication, vulnerability, and teamwork when done with both players in mind. 

The conversation you need to be having actually takes place between the sheets! Make sex a place of sacred intimacy.  Acknowledge each other’s soft spots. Comfort those insecurities. Implement patience and understanding. Compliment those things you see in them that you’ve seen in no one else. The skills imperative for your relationship to succeed? Practice them in the bedroom. And make the decision to put each other first. ❤️ 

the committed

Believe it or not, this is often when it’s the hardest to adjust your sex life. You all have been doing it for so long, the thought of introducing change seems like a diss to all the great sex you’ve been having. But everyone who’s ever been in a monogamous relationship will admit… things can get a little repetitive.

It’s time to get creative and switch things up, which is easier said than done. People are very sensitive about their performance. So I beg of thee, start the conversation with positivity. Market whatever you’re trying to do differently as a way to maximize the things you already enjoy or big up your partners pre-established strengths. You don’t want to spark any insecurities or make it seem like what’s working hasn’t been working. 

If you try to take things in a new direction, without starting with affirmations *grabs megaphone* YOU ARE ASKING FOR TROUBLE!

the virtual lovers

I always find it comedic that damn-near every 90-day fiancé couple has found a way to engage in phone sex, despite half of them not even speaking the same language. The options range from photographs and lusty messages to busting it open on FaceTime. But how exactly do you bring up that you’ve downed two pitchers of sangria at girls night and would love to see your man’s d*ck before heading to bed? Slow and steady does not win this race. It’s time to be bold!

To my lovers who find themselves miles apart: whether separated by boroughs, states, or nations… it is only a matter of time before things get hot and heavy over the phone. Direct statements will leave your partner not only in shock and awe, but oddly turned on by the willingness to state exactly what you want.

Regardless of what stage you’re in, remember to communicate with your partner about your wants and needs. Because an unspoken expectation is merely an irrelevant thought…

Dating Defined is a destination where you can find date spots based on your location and relationship status. The road to better dates starts with us! Follow Dating Defined on Instagram and through the website.

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